In 2012 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And historically, this is the time of year when my energy skyrockets to the extent that it changes the person I am and skews my judgement. I’ve certainly become more adept at preventing these episodes, no matter how fun they may feel. But I’m still learning.
May 2, 2019.
This is a dangerous time of year for me. You know, I was initially reluctant to post this out of fear of vulnerability. But I believe it's crucial to normalize conversations about mental health struggles so that we can make progress and shred the stigma surrounding them.
In 2012 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And historically, this is the time of year when my energy skyrockets to the extent that it changes the person I am and skews my judgement. I’ve certainly become more adept at preventing these episodes, no matter how fun they may feel. But I’m still learning.
At their onset, the episodes are incredible. Intoxicating. Almost like falling in love. Everything feels so much better. But I know that it’s not worth it...I understand how fleeting the euphoria is , only to have the episodes torpedo my cognitve functioning, $$, jobs, living situations, grades, and relationships. Ultimately I am learning to be more than my ups and downs. But even thought I do define myself in many other ways, these richochets are a part of my identity that i must acknowledge and address.
Huge Thank you to those who unconditionally love and accept me for who I am through the madness. Honestly, I relied far too much on my big brother’s unwavering support & understanding of who I am. Daily conversations that kept me grounder, guiding me forward, and making sense of the world. Losing my best friend has shattered my heart and my reality. And frankly, its been fucking brutal navigating my 20s without him the last few years.
Having said that, the big love I received from friends and family the past few years has been incredibly beautiful. It's the reason Im still alive and striving to find a balance. I’ve honestly considered suicide a number of imes in the past 8 years, but its the unconditional love from my people that has kept me afloat. I have faith in the power of that love to sustain me despite the chemical imbalances in my brains and I am deeply grateful for that.
“On a piano, you have the whole scale of tones, from deep dark tones to really high-pitched tones. Usually most people are within two-three octaves in the middle of the instruments, where tones are mostly understandable, dissonance is obvious and so forth. Bipolar people play the piano outside these limities, both above and below. This causes, for example, debilitating depressions and almost psychotic mania. Thats neither good nor normal, and it causes a great deal of trouble, pain and possible serious injury if not manages properly.
If ordinary people have an emotional roller coaster, bipolar peoples have the apollo luanch to compare.” -anonomous reddit user.
